How To Survive A Jason Attack

Check out this fun piece by Larry Carroll over at MTV. Do you have any tips of your own? Be sure to add them in our comments section below!

Are you wondering if the new “Friday the 13th” has more or less drugs, sex and killing than the original films? Are you wondering if any of the kills in the new flick can even break into Jason’s Top 10? Yeah, well so was I – the only difference is, I’m the type of guy who sits down and watches all twelve Jason movies in 6 days, just to get to the bottom of such questions.

And while I was watching 183 people get stabbed, shot and sliced up, I couldn’t help but notice certain things about Jason – things that could have saved valuable, fictional lives! So now, in the interest of humanity, I humbly present my observations on How to Survive a Jason Attack:

DON’T offer Jason stuff – Professor Lowe (“Jason X”) attempted to buy the killer off: “Fame, money, you can have it all.” And then he gets killed immediately. The same is true for the late Lizabeth (“Part VI”) who tried to give Jason two twenties and an AmEx.

DO practice safe sex – In the ninth film, Lou’s girlfriend permits his none-too-subtle request (“Oh Debbie, I hate these things!”) and tosses aside a condom mere moments before they get it on in a tent. Her reward? Getting sliced in half from the waist up, mid-coitus.

DO use a fellow victim as a human shield – Morally reprehensible? Sure! But if all else fails, grab a nearby woman and place her between you and Jason. That move earned Dr. Kiser (“Part VII”) several extra minutes of life. Then Jason caught up to him, and unfortunately there were no more women nearby.

DON’T stand out in the open – For a one-eyed killer whose mask impairs his peripheral vision, Jason has great aim! From throwing a knife into the head of Officer Thornton (“VI”) to the harpoon in the eye of Vera (“Part III”) to his bow-and-arrow skills on display in the new film, this guy has better sharp-shooting skills than Barry Pepper in “Saving Private Ryan.”

DO electrocute Jason – If you happen to have telekinetic powers like Melissa from “Part VII,” congratulations! You should promptly make some tree roots come alive, knock Jason into a dirty puddle, and then summon a power line from the poles above. Electrocuting Jason knocked him out for a whopping 37 seconds.

DO be a child – From Corey Feldman to Reggie the Reckless to all those kid counselors in “Part VI,” Jason never kills kids. After twelve movies, that point is obvious. His stance on tweens, however, is a bit foggy.

DON’T stab dead Jason with an iron rod and then leave it inside him – What are you, stupid? If Jason is dead, leave him alone! Sticking an iron rod in his chest, naturally, just invites a life-giving bolt of lightning to come out of the sky and bring him back to life!

DO hit Jason head-on with a tractor trailer – When they did that in “Part VI,” it knocked Jason out for an entire 54 seconds! It even beats shooting Jason point blank in the chest with a shotgun – which only earned Sheriff Garris a mere 34 seconds of peace.

DON’T have a stupid actor name – When we’re watching the opening credits of a “Friday the 13th” film, we already know some actors will die. Rusty Schwimmer? Sonny Shields? Martin Cummins? Roger Rose? What are we, filming a porno over here?

DO manipulate yourself to look like Jason and/or his mother – It worked for Corey Feldman in “Part IV,” Ginny at the end of “Part II,” and Amanda Righetti in the new film. True, Jason usually snaps out of his deer-in-headlights confusion after a few seconds of confusion. But if it’d give me time to run away, I’d happily slip into Mrs. Vorhees’ blood-soaked sweater too!

Source: MTV Movies Blog

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27 Responses to “ How To Survive A Jason Attack ”

  1. Um, it was “Tina” who had mental powers in Part VII, Mr MTV Guy. You get paid for your journalistic skills? And what about your editor, for f*cks sake?

  2. It was doctor cruise (sp?) in part VII was it not? Not Kiser.

  3. Yeah, it was “Dr. Crews,” wasn’t it…and this guy claims to have recently watched all the films?!!

  4. Old news in 1989.

  5. Hi Jake, 1989 was a great year – I was there!

  6. I remember my star wars pajamas from 1989… ahh what a great great year to be alive!

  7. DON\’T start walking without turning fully around. It\’s inevitable that he\’ll be right there when you finally do turn.

  8. It was part V that they hit Roy with a tractor, not Jason and not part VI or IV or whichever one he mentions. Plus the kids in part VI were not councilors like he claims. Also Terry Keiser played Dr. Crews so I see where he got that one. But really dude, if you get paid for this shit then at least get it right.

  9. \’DO hit Jason head-on with a tractor trailer – When they did that in “Part VI,” it knocked Jason out for an entire 54 seconds\’ Was that not done by Reggie in Part V?

  10. Sorry Colin, you already mentioned the tractor bit. WOuld be a fun article if his facts were right. But that’s MTV for you!

  11. Yea this guy def doesn’t know his jason history. If I wrote this article I would of just said “You can’t survivue a jason attack end of story!” (sings) if you ever had your face smashed in than you seen me! Have you ever impaled a guy on his weiner and he screams than you seen me. You seen me standing in the door! Flames out chasing a fat kid on the corn! Have you ever been fold backwards in a bed or a tree! If you ever been fold backwards than you seen me. Have you ever tried to kill someone and a bald corey feldman screamed. If you ever seen a bald corey feldman than you seen me. YOu seen me! (sings)

  12. wow…..larry carroll u r a douche oh and mike new u got good taste in music lol

  13. Yea that was a funny you tube video. I watched it like 3 times!

  14. I wonder if he’d let us (the huge fans) live? I mean we are all for him right? I’d like to think I’d be safe…but then again I have been wrong many times before.

  15. You guys should read my new screenplay. It was inspired by F13. I dont think there is anything you can do to save yourself from Norman Carter(from my screenplay)

  16. I like the new name slashmaster! I read that screenplay and I liked it. Time to start the sequel!

  17. great, thankyou! I dont know if Ill start on a sequel jsut yet, I want to see how other people like it. But Im probably going to start another project.

    Check on my site regularily, also, leave your comments on the comment page

  18. can you post your url address again so I can visit the page again and leave comments. If you decide to start a sequel maybe I can throw a couple of suggestions up to you. I like to come up with stories for fun. I did a 60 type page story on my cpu of comparing one of my jobs to a prison and had fake characters that related to real people I knew. I also made a little comic was called the many adventures of stupid man with his side kick special ed vs diaper woman part 1 and 2. IT was pretty weird. I guess I like to be creative.

  19. Okay, Heres the url:

    Also leave your email so I can get some ideas from u.

  20. I just reread the story slashmaster. I posted the comment on your page along with my email address. I will spread the word.

  21. How to Survive a Jason Attack?

    Dont go camping. Period. Stay out of dark places where he lurks. Odds are if you are in a place where you are not supposed to’re gonna die. Anything to do with looking like a barn off to the side of a road..pass it by..go on to the next’ll live. If you do encounter him. Play Dead then use your combat knife to degut the dude for good..If he is already in your face. You’re dead..either way don’t fight it..just let him cut you..its easier and odds are you might get lucky and he lets you live. Dont run..He hates to run and if he has to chase you he is going to stop and throw or harpoon your dumbass and treat you like a main course meal on a stick..he likes those. Keep a picture of his mother it so he thinks it will confuse the guy and by you time to stab him in the eye..IMPAIR HIS VISION HE CANT KILL YOU IF HE CANT SEE YOU..AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST..if the old man at the liquor store where you are buying your food..for the trip says you are doomed..leave and dont come back

  22. How to Survive a Jason Attack:
    Be a relatively innocent and strong willed young woman and/or her relatively innocent and strong willed love interest. And that second one isn’t even a gimme…

  23. Carry a licensed firearm. Mace, tazor. Are you in bear country?

    Best to stay the fuck out of the woods if you don’t know what your doing.

  24. The message in any horror movie is DON’T HAVE SEX statistical fact anyone who has sex in a horror movie dies in minutes

  25. Someone should tell this fool over at MTV to check his sources before mentioning scenes and characters from the movies. I saw a ton of mistakes, Dr.Kiser? More like Dr.Crews and not the actor\’s last name!

  26. i love friday the 13th!!!!!!!!asome

  27. large condoms

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